Barbed Wire Fence

I was 25 and had my life completely together with my fiancé who loved me, a new house we both turned into a home, our dogs that became the center of our universe and my corporate sales job that I worked hard to earn.  Still, I constantly struggled to understand why none of it was enough to make me happy or even come close to being content with my reality. I was constantly seeking more everywhere I looked.

I remember sitting in a conference room on the eighth floor of my office building in Tempe, Arizona. My colleagues and I had recently completed a training course. So, we were celebrating the accomplishment by going around the table engaging in lighthearted conversation.

Someone in the room asked, “If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you choose?”

I thought about where I would pick and that’s when I realized - I would rather be anywhere else in the world than Arizona. Why, I wasn’t sure, but I was certain that I wasn’t happy where I was.  

One person from the group responded to the question, “I wouldn’t choose anywhere else than right where I am, with my wife in Gilbert, Arizona. I’m so happy.” At first, I rolled my eyes and thought to myself, yeah right, he has to say that because he had just gotten married and he had just had a newborn baby. But as I continued to listen to him, I realized that he was being genuine, and he loved his little white picket fence way of living. He felt like he had enough with exactly where he was and what he had.

As I drove home that evening, I pulled into the driveway of my house still thinking about that conversation from the office earlier. I looked at my house, noticing the perfectly manicured landscaping, which I hated maintaining. And it finally hit me. I didn’t see my white picket fence. I saw a giant barbed wire fence holding me back like a prison.

Let me just clarify a few things so there is no confusion. No, I didn’t view my fiancé as a prison warden holding me back. She was a saint who had given me nothing but unconditional love for the last ten years of my life. This realization had nothing to do with her. In fact, I think I ended up this deep (house, dogs & engaged) because at the time, the thought of hurting her was too much for me to consider leaving to pursue my own identity. Looking back, it did more damage not being honest with her than if I would have just told her how I was feeling. Because, when I finally chose to be honest with myself and her, just two months before our wedding date – it was a total blindside, and it was devastating. Nevertheless, it was the right thing to do and I believe that we are both better off now than we were.

Within six months of blowing up my life, I had quit my job, I had moved to California and I had jumped into a new relationship with one of the most beautiful girls I’d ever seen. Finally, I had enough to make me happy – or so I thought. While it was true that every single thing in my life had changed externally. Not a damn thing changed internally. My perspectives and beliefs about finding happiness had not shifted in the slightest. In fact, they had manifested. I am going to lay it out there and say that I actually became even more unhappy with my new life than what I was before.

And unfortunately, things had to get worse before they could start to get better. All of those new shiny things that were supposed to make me happy vanished, nearly over night leaving me with what I was convinced was nothing. My relationship ended, I was laid off because of COVID and before I knew it, I was back in Arizona living out of a suitcase with my family. No job. No girlfriend. Not even my own address.

This was not how I thought life would be going for me at 27. So, I decided to say screw expectations for how your life is supposed to be going and lean into the reality of where you are. Instead of constantly searching everywhere else for happiness, stop looking for it all together. Focus on exactly what you have and who you are, and if you can stop chasing for more and more, you will be able to begin the process of embracing your true reality and practicing gratitude for the things that you actually do have.

I know now that there is nothing externally that will ever be able to truly fulfill me or make me feel a certain way, for better or for worse. There is not one thing that has enough power over us to control how we feel. We decide how to respond, we decide whether to scream or laugh, we decide literally everything about our emotions. The only time we feel out of control with our emotions is when we are giving an external factor too much power over us. And if you are in a position where you feel powerless, then it’s time to address implementing boundaries with those external factors that are creating self-doubt.

You matter and you are enough to overcome anything you are faced with. But most importantly, you are worthy of peace and happiness.

-Austin