I was an entitled selfish prick
Deciding on which rehab to go to can be overwhelming, exhausting and not to mention wildly expensive.
The first place I picked was a rehab in Newport Beach, California called HOAG – it was also a hospital.
The view from my detox room overlooked Balboa Peninsula and all of its yachts. It was truly picturesque and thank god, because the only thing I could do for the next 24 hours was look out the window before getting admitted into the rehab residence.
They took my phone and my belongings and said I was not going to get them back for 30 days. There wasn’t even a television in my room and the whole facility only had one public phone that you could use for five minutes a day.
Five minutes a day was NOT acceptable for me.
I imagine that when my name pops up on my friend’s cell phones, they have to mentally prepare before answering because they know it’s going to be at least an hour long conversation.
During this hour, it will consist of me talking about 95% of the time - only allowing 5% of the time to the other person so that they can agree with me and compliment me as needed.
In addition to my phone, they also took my blood.
Things escalated very quickly from here. The lab results came back and my liver enzymes were registering at dangerously high levels suggesting the onset of acute liver failure. The doctors could not figure out why they were so high since I had told them I hadn’t had a drink in three days – which was true.
However, I chose to skip a minor detail while filling out my patient intake forms… In addition to that bottle of vodka I had drank three days prior - I also had a special garnish, a bottle of Tylenol.
I knew if I had told them I attempted suicide three days ago there was NO chance I would be getting out of that facility, at least not without a straight jacket.
While this is not a men’s fashion blog, it should be noted that I do appreciate fashion and looking good. Straight jackets are not in my repertoire of clothing and I wouldn’t be caught dead in one.
Because of my liver concerns they would not medically clear me to move from the detox facility into the rehab residence so I was stuck in this shit hole room that only had a view. After a short amount of time, I even hated the view because every time I looked out of the window, I saw people out on yachts, paddle boarding in the bay or simply just walking around. Sure, from my vantage point I couldn’t tell exactly what they were doing but I sure knew what they weren’t doing. They weren’t trapped in a prison cell, I mean, “detox” room without a cell phone.
At one point I actually stepped into the hall, shouted for my nurse and demanded that I be moved to a different room without this view. I aggressively told her “This is PISSING me off.”
The nurse was very perplexed. She said “Austin, I don’t understand. This is the most beautiful room in the whole facility –“
I cut her off and said, “Are you out of your god damn mind lady? You call THIS beautiful? Don’t you dare try to piss on me and tell me it’s raining! I’ve been to the Ritz in Laguna Niguel, THAT’S BEAUTIFUL! THIS - THIS IS A FUCKING PRISON!” She was not amused, nor did she find my tone charming.
If you haven’t come to the conclusion on your own thus far, let me just be clear. I was one entitled prick at this time of my life. My behavior towards someone when I didn’t get my way was less than “cute.”
I felt like the world was out to get me and I was at war with virtually everyone I crossed paths with. It didn’t help that I had just gone through a drawn out break up, I had just been laid off from my dream job due to COVID-19, the COVID lock downs left me isolated in my half empty apartment and I had attempted suicide twice in the two months leading up to this first day of rehab. Things were rough and I was lost.
The next morning, still not medically cleared because of my liver, I marched into to the office of the Doctor on site.
With little poise and not an ounce of dignity, I addressed the doctor, “Listen. Here’s what’s gonna happen. You’re going to sign me the fuck out of this place. I am done. I want my phone -IMMEDIATELY. Also - who is going to validate my parking?”
I continued, “Oh what’s that? You don’t know who validates the parking? Well who the fuck can get shit done around here, Atul? I want to talk to them.” Yes, I called him by his first name and did not respect his Doctoral status… Always classy, Austin.
Shortly after this exchange with the Doctor, I signed an AMA (against medical advice) in order to get discharged and I was on my way home. I felt like a failure.
I’m just kidding, I felt like a Tito’s Martini, straight up with a lemon twist from my favorite restaurant in Irvine called Houston’s.
I fought the crave knowing that I probably should take the diagnosis of my liver seriously. I drove straight to my apartment and opened my laptop to begin researching other rehab options. This time in Arizona. I wanted to be closer to my family while going through this significant chapter of my life so that meant packing up and going back to Phoenix where I’m from. I also knew that if I was going to be successful, I would need an outpatient style of treatment. No more of this take your phone and be locked in a room bullshit.
Before I wrap up, let me address my tone and the amount of times I used the word F***. It is not my intension to offend anyone, it’s just me being 100% transparent in how miserable and angry I was with the world.
Through treatment, I learned I wasn’t actually pissed off at the world, I was angry at myself. It had nothing to do with anyone else besides me. Treating people like I was better than them was my main coping skill and defense mechanism as a direct response to childhood trauma and carried shame.
Also, I’m laced with a very sarcastic sense of humor. One of my favorite comedians once said, “tragedy + time=comedy.” I don’t take depression or addiction lightly at all, but I will make sarcastic jokes about myself because it’s part of how I’ve healed.
-Austin
Relationships Expire
Have you ever dumped someone? Have you ever been dumped? Have you ever had a friendship end?
Chances are that you can answer yes to at least one of those three questions so hopefully there is something that you can relate to in this post.
“Fall in love with your eyes closed.” – Andy Warhol
I have heard many, many married couples say, “marriage is tough.” That is such an interesting concept for me to understand. The most serious relationship of your life is also the toughest? To me, that seems ass backwards because I think that love is actually supposed to be easy. I don’t think that your relationship should be a burden or force you to compromise on your own happiness.
However, I do think there is a grey area here because when a relationship does face a challenge – I don’t think it’s always the right thing to do to just walk away immediately. So honestly, what the fuck do I know and certainly no one (like literally not one person) has ever accused me of being a relationship expert.
I have been in healthy relationships and I have been in toxic relationships. To be honest, I don’t know which ones I have enjoyed more. For some reason, the healthy relationships tend to become routine like – there are no wild highs or serious lows, you’re just living. Whereas in the toxic relationships, there has been so much fiery passion immediately followed by ice cold actions which usually then lead to hot sex to get back in touch with that fiery passion. No surprise that Brittany Spears’ massive hit song about a hot hookup was titled – Toxic.
(Seemed appropriate to plug Spears since she has a massive media presence given the recent documentary about her but let it be known here, I will never reference her in another blog post again – so please don’t unsubscribe!)
After a solid year of regrouping from one of the most toxic relationships I have ever experienced in my life, I’ve refocused what I am looking for in my next relationship. That’s if I even find myself in a ‘’next relationship,’’ because I am no longer seeking – instead if it happens, it happens.
“It is almost more important to know what you are not looking for than to know what you are looking for.” - Drew Barrymore
I have called off a wedding with the person I loved most in this world, I have given away my dog after 9 years (RELAX, he is with my grandma and living his best life), I have cut my biological mother out of my life, I have dragged girls along and then dropped them just as things began to get serious – and I haven’t even batted an eye lash each time I made these detrimental endings to relationships.
But the idea that someone ends a relationship with me? Incomprehensible and devastating.
How is that I am so capable of being transactional with others but if I am faced with someone ending things with me, I become literally devastated? My therapist has a lot of theories as to why, but I will spare you the details.
So how did I finally accept the ending of a relationship when it wasn’t my decision?
I read a book and the author said that relationships expire. Just as the milk in your fridge has an expiration date, so can a relationship.
Would you pour milk that expired a year ago into your morning bowl of cereal? Absolutely fucking not.
I finally realized that my previous relationship had hit its shelf life and passed the expiration date!
Let me be clear, I realized this whole concept through many drunk texts and phone calls to my ex, two months in rehab, rekindling with other exes, a handful of one night stands from dating apps and just a few therapy sessions. It was not a simple overnight realization – so if you are currently trying to move through a breakup, I am not discounting the severity and intensity of your pain. But remember – its expired milk and that shit is disgusting.
Breakups aren’t just with the ones you fuck either.
Best friends can come and go even faster. These breakups may hurt even more because a best friend is supposed to be truly unconditional with their love – though not unbiased, it’s fair for them to have judgment. But when a friend decides the relationship is over, same concept applies – the relationship has hit the expiration date.
Don’t pour expired milk in cereal and don’t dwell on relationships that have met their shelf life.
-Austin
Highs and Lows
Highs and Lows
I often think that we tend to believe we are working towards something that is going to make us happier than what we are right now. I have mentioned this before, that we believe what we have right now does not meet our full potential for happiness - so we constantly desire whatever is next, or more than what we have.
I think it was February or March of 2020 and I was nearing an absolute rock bottom because of the amount of chaos in the foundation of my life as I knew it.
This is when I met nurse Sarah. Sarah was a nurse at a hospital in Irvine where I was spending the night and she had to hang with me for my entire 24 hours stay. I am not going to go into the weeds here as to why I was at the hospital under 24/7 supervision, but perhaps you can read between the lines.
Thank the friggen lord for Nurse Sarah. She was sweet, caring and authentic and she tolerated me for the entire night. After about two hours of nonstop complaining on my part, she asked if she could explain to me a theory that she applies to her life.
If she wasn’t as cute as I thought she was, I probably would have straight up told her, “No, I’m not finished bitching.” But her cutes and charms shut me up, allowing her to finally get a word in the dialogue.
She asked me, “Have you ever seen a heart monitoring machine?”
Slightly annoyed with this question, I replied “Yeah, Sarah. I am aware of what a heart monitoring machine looks like.”
“Great, so then this should be easy for you to understand.” She said, “You’ve been sitting in this room complaining for hours about how your life has been all over the place and you’ve gone through so many ups and downs and you’re sick of it, right?”
Intrigued by where she was going with this (or maybe just lost in her blue eyes) I said, “Yes, Sarah. That’s right. My life has no freaking consistency! The highs are high, but the lows are fucking LOW!”
“Do you know how we determine if someone is alive based off of the heart monitor?” She asked.
“Uhm, no, Sarah. I don’t need to know this information. You’re the nurse here, not me.” I responded with sarcasm. I was a little grumpy and I thought this might be a way of flirting with her – typical mentality of a child.
She completely disregarded my sass and said, “The single sign that someone is alive is by a heart monitor that goes up and down and up and down. It symbolizes their heartbeat and life. When someone doesn’t have ups and downs in their heart monitor, it means they are nearing a flat line. Which means they are no longer living.”
Nurse Sarah had captured my undivided attention – far beyond her blue eyes now.
“What you’re describing as a lack of consistency and your frequent ups and downs is called LIFE, Austin. You are living your life. You don’t want to flat line. When you no longer have ups and downs, then it means you’re no longer living. Focus on what you can do to ride the highs when they come but more importantly, be sure to bounce back quickly when you hit a low.”
Numbing Versus Living
What Sarah had just described to me was so eye opening in that moment. All my life I had been trying to numb the lows I was going through because I was so uncomfortable with handling the negative emotions. But even more significantly, I wasn’t even able to enjoy the highs I had because I was too stressed out wondering when the next low would be.
I think the appropriate term is a dooms-day-er. Constantly waiting for something to go wrong.
Her concept of life being a heart monitoring machine filled with ups and downs totally resonated with me. Because I realized that nothing is permanent and that is okay.
When we are experiencing a low, know that it is temporary, and it will pass. But most importantly, when you’re are on a high, enjoy it while it lasts and look forward to the next one.
-Austin
Happiness is Not External
Over the years, I have been in so much therapy that I think the shape of my ass is literally imprinted on my last therapist’s couch. The most memorable moment of therapy I’ve attended was when my therapist explained to me the concept that we act the way we do because of the way we think. And most of the time, our thoughts are about things completely irrelevant to what we personally have control over and instead, they are usually about everyone else or at least what everyone else is thinking.
It was 2019 and we were nearing the end of the criminal case to convict the man that molested me as a child - my mental state was fragile. So, my attorney thought that I would benefit by meeting with one of his former clients who he had represented in the past. He said that she had suffered trauma, but she had prevailed and spends her life helping others as a therapist and she might be able to help me also.
When my attorney said that his former client had suffered trauma, I thought maybe she had been abused or sexually assaulted – I didn’t know but I took him on his advice. I scheduled an appointment with her. Then I scheduled a second. Then I scheduled another. Then I became her weekly patient.
She has shared her story very publicly by authoring a book and guest appearing on Dr. Phil, so I don’t feel out of school to share her story with you here on this platform.
Over the span of several visits with my new therapist, she would sprinkle in solutions to my problems that she said had worked for her. So, I finally asked her. What the hell was her trauma and how was she able to overcome her trauma so valiantly?
I could have never imagined her response.
She told me that in 2010, she had learned about some scandalous activity by her husband. He had cheated, he had lied and gambled - and he had done it a lot. When she came to the realization that her marriage was unsalvageable, she filed for divorce and moved out of her house. Her husband didn’t like this move, at all.
Together they had two small children ages, five and one. With split custody and no reason for concern, the kids were with their dad one day when my therapist received a call that shook her world.
In retaliation to her filing for divorce, her husband had taken a gun and shot both of their children in the head, killing them instantly. Then, he turned the gun and shot himself in the head. He was not successful in committing suicide though. So, he crawled to a phone and dialed 911 for help.
My attorney had represented my therapist in convicting her ex-husband for the murder of their two small children and they won their case. The jury assigned to the case actually set a record for how quickly they ruled guilty and sentenced the ex-husband to death.
My therapist shared with me her victim impact statement. A victim impact statement is an opportunity for the victim of a crime to read to the court how the specific crime has impacted their life.
In her victim impact statement she said, “I have waited, almost three years to look at you and to tell you a few things. I have never imagined that I would be standing here, facing you as the murderer of our children, and the fortunate part is that you didn’t have the courage to finish your act of killing yourself. You are not mentally ill. You killed our children. You are the stupidest person I have ever met. You are the stupidest person because I loved you. And you killed the two people that loved you. They loved you – and you, you killed them. I do have hate for you. But you know, I also have the ability to love. But my happiness does not lay in our children. It can’t or I’ll die. It lies within me. And you couldn’t take away my happiness. You are 100% responsible for the death of our children and you know it here. I miss them every day.”
What a bold statement. What a dramatic and horrific way to realize that our happiness is not sustainable through anything or anyone besides within ourselves.
Over the course of our sessions, she taught me that if it is true that no one can provide us with our happiness, then it must also be true that no one can take it from us either. This was a life changing concept for my little brain to unpack.
She began to help me restructure the way I viewed my childhood. Up until this point, I had felt like my childhood had been taken away from me because I had been molested. I constantly wished that I could go back to my nine-year-old self and change the story.
This is when she told me she also wanted to go back to the morning her children were murdered. But the reality is that when we are in a state of mind of wanting to ‘go back’ then we are at war with reality. And we will always lose the battle to try and change reality - every single time.
I had trained myself to think, “why did this happen to me?” I would spend so much time trying to figure out why I had been molested. These thoughts often lead me to carrying shame that it was my fault and there were things I could have done differently to prevent the abuse.
I had to change my way of thinking. Instead of asking myself “why did this happen?” I shifted my thinking to “this happened, now what?” At this point, I was finally able to begin the process of moving forward. I stopped trying to fight reality, instead, I just accepted it and decided to move on.
If we are stuck in the past, then we are depressed wishing we could go back. If we are living in the future, then we are anxious and worried about what is to come.
You might be thinking, “Alright, Austin. We get it. Happiness can’t come externally. But how do you accomplish this?”
My short answer – practice gratitude and be mindful. It goes a long way, and it is easy to do. I did it this morning.
My alarm went off at 6:30AM this morning and I was tired. Instead of immediately thinking, “god damn, I didn’t get enough. Sleep.” I made a conscious effort to say to myself internally, “I’m glad that I got to sleep until 6:30AM” and got out of bed with a positive mindset.
Another example I can provide to you is from my most recent job. I was working for Uber Corporate as Senior Account Executive for the UberEat’s segment of the organization. I have been involved with restaurants for nearly a decade, usually with high end caliber or trendy spots. My book of business with Uber was very different, I was working with hole in the wall restaurants that were absolutely not fine dining or interesting concepts.
I remember pulling up to a restaurant one day and it looked like an absolute shit hole. I was dreading walking inside and I was so uninterested in the conversation I was about to have. I felt myself slipping into a very ungrateful mindset. So before walking into the restaurant, I sat in my car and I made a conscious effort to practice gratitude.
It looked like this
· Original thought: I can’t believe I have to go into this shitty restaurant.
· Adjusted thought: I am lucky that I have a good paying job during a pandemic and that I get the chance to potentially help this restaurant.
· Original thought: I don’t want to talk with this restaurant.
· Adjusted thought: I wonder what this little hole in the wall restaurant is doing to be able to maintain operations during a pandemic. So many major restaurant brands have closed, yet here this little joint is able to stay afloat, I can’t wait to hear what they are doing.
By shifting my perspective, I removed the external factor of the restaurant quality or caliber to affect my happiness. Happiness is a state of mind and way of thinking. Nothing beyond ourselves is capable of taking it away from us.
I thought my happiness was taken from me because I had been molested. It turned out that my abuser was not powerful to take that away from me. Just as my therapist’s husband was not powerful to take her happiness away either.
If you are interested in learning more about how my therapist survived her trauma, below is a link to her book, Bulletproof as well as a link to her conversation with Dr. Phil.
BOOK
https://www.amazon.com/BULLETPROOF-Laurie-Morales/dp/1628654414
Dr. Phil Interview
- Austin
Why Do We Stray?
Last week I asked around to people I know if they had ever experienced infidelity in their life, regardless of their role. 85% of people responded with a resounding yes. So, chances are you’ve either cheated, been cheated or had to live through the unfolding of an affair by a loved one. Therefore, I hope you are able to find a way to relate to this.
My first dance with infidelity occurred as a fifth grader when my stepdad introduced my younger brother and me to his ‘’friend.” Our mom was out of town on a business trip and this friend joined us for dinner at the house. Strange, I thought, when we were told to never mention anything about this friend to our mother. All our life we had been taught to never tell a lie yet here we were, being told that we must lie to our own mom.
It was a heavy burden concealing this secret from our mom, especially because we were so young. My younger brother eventually broke his allegiance to his dad by telling our mom about this friend. He had witnessed them kissing. Indeed, he was only in like second grade but even he wasn’t ignorant enough to know that friends don’t kiss – especially in the way that they did. It wasn’t long before my mom, my brother and I were living in spare bedrooms at my Grandma’s house.
Speaking of my Grandma, she had also experienced a relationship shake up from infidelity many years earlier. My Grandpa had a secretary who was initially responsible for filing papers and yielding his calls. However, her secretarial duties dramatically increased when she became his second wife.
Through the stories told by my Grandma and being a fly on the wall to my stepdad’s affair, I felt like I had an understanding of what infidelity was. I learned it was generational, it is enough to ruin families, relationships and it’s always the man that strays. And when they do stray, they are framed to be a douchebag and they forfeit all of their rights to privacy because they become a permanent suspect of adultery – once a cheater, always a cheater.
I had a front row seat to witness how much pain an affair brings to the person being cheated on and it was not pretty. It was extremely challenging to see my mom so hurt and broken by the infidelity in her marriage. And although my grandpa’s infidelity occurred long before I was even born, I was still able to unpack the extreme betrayal it had on my Grandma, my mom and her brother, my uncle.
I despised my stepdad for the pain and suffering his actions caused and for involving me in his affair. And while I didn’t personally feel impacted by my Grandpa’s affair, I still had negative judgment towards him for cheating on my Grandma and breaking up their household. Knowing that I never wanted to cause this amount of hurt towards a woman I love or carry the shame of being labeled as a cheater, I vowed to myself that I would become the poster boy of monogamy and I that would never cheat on any girlfriend or future wife.
And then I cheated.
Not once, not twice but multiple times with multiple people over multiple years.
What had changed with my perception of infidelity? How was I able to excuse my behavior while simultaneously lead a campaign that my Stepdad and any other cheaters were brutally at fault for their adultery and should have just ended their relationships instead of their duplicity? Why could I justify my actions but call for the absolute abolishment of all other cheaters?
Esther Perel, a psychotherapist, explains my former way of thinking perfectly. If you’re thinking of having an affair, get a divorce. If you’re unhappy enough to cheat, you’re unhappy enough to leave. And if your partner has an affair, call the lawyer immediately.
I was so staunch in this belief and yet I was also a repeat offender of adultery. How contradicting.
As we move forward with this discussion, I want to make this clear – I am not making justifications for my behaviors, instead I am trying to present explanations.
How do we define cheating?
In a conversation with one of my friends, she tells me that she loves watching porn with her boyfriend. In fact, she is intrigued by knowing what he likes to watch when they are not together, and he is alone watching the raunchy cinema. However, the prospect that he is watching a live webcam girl and telling her what to do is an absolute breach of their relationship lines. But if they were together and telling the webcam girl how to act – different story.
Another one of my friends has a husband who has a lot of friends who are girls. He doesn’t lack masculinity; he is just able to relate with girls and the gender of a friend is not a threat to his monogamous relationship or his identity. But when she notices that her husband is starting to like a lot of posts by a girl on Instagram who she doesn’t know – this is cause for concern.
My friend who lives in LA and should have a frequent flyer rewards account for his attendance to gay sex parties doesn’t think twice about attending a sex party with his partner. But one weekend, my friend is out of town in San Diego and learns that his partner attended one of these LA sex parties without him. How dare he, who does he think he is – fucking CHEATER!
Jessica has been in a monogamous relationship with her boyfriend for three years. That is until her boyfriend decided that he needed a release on a business work trip back east and he books a massage with a happy ending included. How does Jessica respond? Angry, for sure. But her first instinct is not to call out the offenses of her strayed boyfriend. Instead, she reaches out to a known nemesis of her cheating boyfriend to coordinate a time for her to hook up with him. This will really send a message, she thinks. If you hurt me, I will hurt you more – watch me.
My belief is that cheating is uniquely defined by each relationship and it is important to have a blatant understanding of what your partner views as acceptable and what they consider to be crossing the line. A ‘like’ on Instagram might mean nothing to you but at the same time cause your partner to lose sleep.
Hedonic Treadmill
The hedonic treadmill is a psychological term used to describe an individual’s constant search for something better. The theory is that regardless of how much pleasure or happiness a new thing or person brings us in the present, we will inevitably return to the former state of happiness that we knew prior to obtaining these new things.
In other words, when you buy a new car, it will likely bring you a high of happiness and excitement for the first few days, weeks or maybe month. But the newfound happiness brought on by your new purchase is not sustainable and it won’t be long before you return to your former levels of happiness.
Infidelity is an absolute symptom of someone jogging on their hedonic treadmill. When we cheat, it is because we think that what we have is not adequate enough. You can even apply it to a freshman in high school cheating on an algebra test with a notecard in their pocket. The student doesn’t think their knowledge on the topic is adequate enough to exceed on the test. Maybe they haven’t put in the work to study – so it would be much easier to just lean on the external element of a cheat sheet. Similar to a husband who hasn’t put in the work on their relationship with his wife and finds fulfillment through an affair outside of their marriage.
Society has implemented a way of thinking that we can always be better, have better or do better. Nothing is ever enough – especially in a relationship or marriage. We are brainwashed to think that our relationships are supposed to provide us with the fulfillment of all of our needs, emotionally and sexually. So, when we only have sex twice in a month instead of twice a week – there must be something more somewhere else. When she stops making me feel happy or confident, there must be someone new somewhere that will better meet these needs.
Rationalizing the Affair
The first time I cheated was a simple kiss. Yes, I had a girlfriend but at least I wasn’t married, and I definitely didn’t have kids. So, I convinced myself that while not ideal behavior, this was an excusable offense. This was nothing comparable to my earlier examples of infidelity which destroyed families.
The second time I cheated, we kissed again but this time we took our clothes off. But I had the self-control to not have sex. I was still a man who had only had sex with one person in my life, maintaining my desire for monogamy with my girlfriend of seven years.
The next time was at a strip club. I had been to many strip clubs in the past but this time the girl got a little more physical than usual. But she was a stripper – there were no emotions and in fact, I didn’t even really want to participate in these activities with her. So, I was convinced that this was definitely not cheating.
The fourth time, however, this time was different. It was purely emotional. I had never been so attracted or intrigued by a girl. At least that is the story that I told myself.
My point in sharing all of these examples is not to boast or brag about my rendezvous. It is to show you that I was constantly justifying all of my behaviors and actions. I found every excuse under the sun for why this was okay and repeatedly gave myself the get out of jail free card.
The truth is, when I fell in love with my ex-fiancé, it was also purely emotional and based off of friendship first. I guarantee you that if you spend as much time and effort on your current relationship as you do your affair, you will see an exponential improvement and lose your desire to stray all together. Practice leaning inward instead of always seeking outward.
My Opinion on Infidelity
My opinion today on infidelity is not any different as a 28-year-old than it was as my fifth-grade self when I first learned the definition of an affair. I believe that cheating on your partner is the single, most grave display of betrayal and there are very few ways that you can damage someone’s self-esteem more than by cheating on them.
But I am more able to understand infidelity now. I do not justify it, I understand it. If you commit adultery, I think you have done something very wrong – but how often do people get things wrong in life?
It all circles back to the expectations we put on people and our relationships. We expect that our girlfriends/wives/partners are supposed to provide us with everything. They are supposed to make us feel happy, comfort us when we are sad, satisfy us when we are horny and build us up all the time to the best that we can be. Having these expectations of one single person is far too much pressure and no one will ever be able to meet, let alone exceed them – and this is when we stray to someone else who temporarily can.
If you are currently cheating or involved in an affair, quit the extramarital activities and deal with your shit head on without the noise of a new girlfriend or boyfriend. If you are thinking about dipping your toes in the water with the cute girl from the office just to see “if there is something there,” my advice is to wait until you figure out that there is absolutely nothing left in your current relationship before finding what else is out there.
But most importantly, if you have been cheated on before, please know that it rarely has anything to do with you and your worth and everything to do with your partners own insecurities and internal bullshit. As someone who cheated on someone who I loved, I can promise you that it had nothing to do with her as a partner, her beauty or her worth. She was everything and more that she could have been to me, but I was internally empty and seeking fulfillment in any form, including an affair to try and fill my voids.
You are enough and someone else’s poor actions or assaults against your emotions do not reduce your worthiness.
For the record, I will never ever cheat again. Once a cheater, I do not believe always a cheater.
-Austin
Barbed Wire Fence
I was 25 and had my life completely together with my fiancé who loved me, a new house we both turned into a home, our dogs that became the center of our universe and my corporate sales job that I worked hard to earn. Still, I constantly struggled to understand why none of it was enough to make me happy or even come close to being content with my reality. I was constantly seeking more everywhere I looked.
I remember sitting in a conference room on the eighth floor of my office building in Tempe, Arizona. My colleagues and I had recently completed a training course. So, we were celebrating the accomplishment by going around the table engaging in lighthearted conversation.
Someone in the room asked, “If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you choose?”
I thought about where I would pick and that’s when I realized - I would rather be anywhere else in the world than Arizona. Why, I wasn’t sure, but I was certain that I wasn’t happy where I was.
One person from the group responded to the question, “I wouldn’t choose anywhere else than right where I am, with my wife in Gilbert, Arizona. I’m so happy.” At first, I rolled my eyes and thought to myself, yeah right, he has to say that because he had just gotten married and he had just had a newborn baby. But as I continued to listen to him, I realized that he was being genuine, and he loved his little white picket fence way of living. He felt like he had enough with exactly where he was and what he had.
As I drove home that evening, I pulled into the driveway of my house still thinking about that conversation from the office earlier. I looked at my house, noticing the perfectly manicured landscaping, which I hated maintaining. And it finally hit me. I didn’t see my white picket fence. I saw a giant barbed wire fence holding me back like a prison.
Let me just clarify a few things so there is no confusion. No, I didn’t view my fiancé as a prison warden holding me back. She was a saint who had given me nothing but unconditional love for the last ten years of my life. This realization had nothing to do with her. In fact, I think I ended up this deep (house, dogs & engaged) because at the time, the thought of hurting her was too much for me to consider leaving to pursue my own identity. Looking back, it did more damage not being honest with her than if I would have just told her how I was feeling. Because, when I finally chose to be honest with myself and her, just two months before our wedding date – it was a total blindside, and it was devastating. Nevertheless, it was the right thing to do and I believe that we are both better off now than we were.
Within six months of blowing up my life, I had quit my job, I had moved to California and I had jumped into a new relationship with one of the most beautiful girls I’d ever seen. Finally, I had enough to make me happy – or so I thought. While it was true that every single thing in my life had changed externally. Not a damn thing changed internally. My perspectives and beliefs about finding happiness had not shifted in the slightest. In fact, they had manifested. I am going to lay it out there and say that I actually became even more unhappy with my new life than what I was before.
And unfortunately, things had to get worse before they could start to get better. All of those new shiny things that were supposed to make me happy vanished, nearly over night leaving me with what I was convinced was nothing. My relationship ended, I was laid off because of COVID and before I knew it, I was back in Arizona living out of a suitcase with my family. No job. No girlfriend. Not even my own address.
This was not how I thought life would be going for me at 27. So, I decided to say screw expectations for how your life is supposed to be going and lean into the reality of where you are. Instead of constantly searching everywhere else for happiness, stop looking for it all together. Focus on exactly what you have and who you are, and if you can stop chasing for more and more, you will be able to begin the process of embracing your true reality and practicing gratitude for the things that you actually do have.
I know now that there is nothing externally that will ever be able to truly fulfill me or make me feel a certain way, for better or for worse. There is not one thing that has enough power over us to control how we feel. We decide how to respond, we decide whether to scream or laugh, we decide literally everything about our emotions. The only time we feel out of control with our emotions is when we are giving an external factor too much power over us. And if you are in a position where you feel powerless, then it’s time to address implementing boundaries with those external factors that are creating self-doubt.
You matter and you are enough to overcome anything you are faced with. But most importantly, you are worthy of peace and happiness.
-Austin
What’s this about anyway?
Society has assigned us a timeline and the pressure is too much. The clock is ticking so I figured out my life and I did it quick - I mean really quick. At 25, I had two dogs, a fiancé, a house, cars and a career. Oh, and I shouldn’t forget to mention me developing a wild drinking problem – oops!
On paper I was exceeding in every bucket for where I ‘‘should’’ have been at that time. How is it that I found myself in this situation and why was I not actually happy or fulfilled? I like to think it is because I’m a fucking human and we all make choices – some good, some not so good. But I know now that it is actually because I had too many expectations for my life. We expect to find love too soon, we expect to have children in our 20’s, we expect to figure out everything way to friggin early. And we also have this idea that happiness is an island and once we achieve everything in the journey to that island, it is guaranteed fulfillment. Talk about a plot twist on that theory, the more I seemed to achieve in my journey to the happiness island, the more miserable I became.
So now what does it mean when you turn 28 and you don’t have ‘your’ person? You don’t have two kids that look up to you and convince you how cool you are. There is no more house and there are no dogs to pet. It means it’s time to address codependency. It means it’s time to reset or better yet, eliminate life expectations and face your current reality. Hold yourself accountable for developing a true self esteem by finding it within, not through jobs, houses, relationships or things.
Just so you know what you can expect, my initial goal for this blog is to honestly just find a damn hobby that doesn’t involve bars, restaurants or dating. If you know me, you also know I have a lot to say - often. If you don’t know me, I hope you get to learn about me through this blog where I will address with 100% vulnerability all the carried shame of being molested as a child and then the process of convicting the abuser 16 years later. I will address the stigma around men who struggle with mental health and also the impact it has on loved ones when you are not mentally stable - spoiler alert, it’s significant. I will share my personal insight on what it’s like to finally check into rehab to address childhood trauma and addiction. But above all, I hope to create a space for dialogue around topics that most people avoid. If you’ve made it this far, thanks for your interest and know there is A LOT more to come. Also, I don’t want to end with out reminding you that you matter and you are enough to overcome anything.
-Austin