Happiness is Not External
Over the years, I have been in so much therapy that I think the shape of my ass is literally imprinted on my last therapist’s couch. The most memorable moment of therapy I’ve attended was when my therapist explained to me the concept that we act the way we do because of the way we think. And most of the time, our thoughts are about things completely irrelevant to what we personally have control over and instead, they are usually about everyone else or at least what everyone else is thinking.
It was 2019 and we were nearing the end of the criminal case to convict the man that molested me as a child - my mental state was fragile. So, my attorney thought that I would benefit by meeting with one of his former clients who he had represented in the past. He said that she had suffered trauma, but she had prevailed and spends her life helping others as a therapist and she might be able to help me also.
When my attorney said that his former client had suffered trauma, I thought maybe she had been abused or sexually assaulted – I didn’t know but I took him on his advice. I scheduled an appointment with her. Then I scheduled a second. Then I scheduled another. Then I became her weekly patient.
She has shared her story very publicly by authoring a book and guest appearing on Dr. Phil, so I don’t feel out of school to share her story with you here on this platform.
Over the span of several visits with my new therapist, she would sprinkle in solutions to my problems that she said had worked for her. So, I finally asked her. What the hell was her trauma and how was she able to overcome her trauma so valiantly?
I could have never imagined her response.
She told me that in 2010, she had learned about some scandalous activity by her husband. He had cheated, he had lied and gambled - and he had done it a lot. When she came to the realization that her marriage was unsalvageable, she filed for divorce and moved out of her house. Her husband didn’t like this move, at all.
Together they had two small children ages, five and one. With split custody and no reason for concern, the kids were with their dad one day when my therapist received a call that shook her world.
In retaliation to her filing for divorce, her husband had taken a gun and shot both of their children in the head, killing them instantly. Then, he turned the gun and shot himself in the head. He was not successful in committing suicide though. So, he crawled to a phone and dialed 911 for help.
My attorney had represented my therapist in convicting her ex-husband for the murder of their two small children and they won their case. The jury assigned to the case actually set a record for how quickly they ruled guilty and sentenced the ex-husband to death.
My therapist shared with me her victim impact statement. A victim impact statement is an opportunity for the victim of a crime to read to the court how the specific crime has impacted their life.
In her victim impact statement she said, “I have waited, almost three years to look at you and to tell you a few things. I have never imagined that I would be standing here, facing you as the murderer of our children, and the fortunate part is that you didn’t have the courage to finish your act of killing yourself. You are not mentally ill. You killed our children. You are the stupidest person I have ever met. You are the stupidest person because I loved you. And you killed the two people that loved you. They loved you – and you, you killed them. I do have hate for you. But you know, I also have the ability to love. But my happiness does not lay in our children. It can’t or I’ll die. It lies within me. And you couldn’t take away my happiness. You are 100% responsible for the death of our children and you know it here. I miss them every day.”
What a bold statement. What a dramatic and horrific way to realize that our happiness is not sustainable through anything or anyone besides within ourselves.
Over the course of our sessions, she taught me that if it is true that no one can provide us with our happiness, then it must also be true that no one can take it from us either. This was a life changing concept for my little brain to unpack.
She began to help me restructure the way I viewed my childhood. Up until this point, I had felt like my childhood had been taken away from me because I had been molested. I constantly wished that I could go back to my nine-year-old self and change the story.
This is when she told me she also wanted to go back to the morning her children were murdered. But the reality is that when we are in a state of mind of wanting to ‘go back’ then we are at war with reality. And we will always lose the battle to try and change reality - every single time.
I had trained myself to think, “why did this happen to me?” I would spend so much time trying to figure out why I had been molested. These thoughts often lead me to carrying shame that it was my fault and there were things I could have done differently to prevent the abuse.
I had to change my way of thinking. Instead of asking myself “why did this happen?” I shifted my thinking to “this happened, now what?” At this point, I was finally able to begin the process of moving forward. I stopped trying to fight reality, instead, I just accepted it and decided to move on.
If we are stuck in the past, then we are depressed wishing we could go back. If we are living in the future, then we are anxious and worried about what is to come.
You might be thinking, “Alright, Austin. We get it. Happiness can’t come externally. But how do you accomplish this?”
My short answer – practice gratitude and be mindful. It goes a long way, and it is easy to do. I did it this morning.
My alarm went off at 6:30AM this morning and I was tired. Instead of immediately thinking, “god damn, I didn’t get enough. Sleep.” I made a conscious effort to say to myself internally, “I’m glad that I got to sleep until 6:30AM” and got out of bed with a positive mindset.
Another example I can provide to you is from my most recent job. I was working for Uber Corporate as Senior Account Executive for the UberEat’s segment of the organization. I have been involved with restaurants for nearly a decade, usually with high end caliber or trendy spots. My book of business with Uber was very different, I was working with hole in the wall restaurants that were absolutely not fine dining or interesting concepts.
I remember pulling up to a restaurant one day and it looked like an absolute shit hole. I was dreading walking inside and I was so uninterested in the conversation I was about to have. I felt myself slipping into a very ungrateful mindset. So before walking into the restaurant, I sat in my car and I made a conscious effort to practice gratitude.
It looked like this
· Original thought: I can’t believe I have to go into this shitty restaurant.
· Adjusted thought: I am lucky that I have a good paying job during a pandemic and that I get the chance to potentially help this restaurant.
· Original thought: I don’t want to talk with this restaurant.
· Adjusted thought: I wonder what this little hole in the wall restaurant is doing to be able to maintain operations during a pandemic. So many major restaurant brands have closed, yet here this little joint is able to stay afloat, I can’t wait to hear what they are doing.
By shifting my perspective, I removed the external factor of the restaurant quality or caliber to affect my happiness. Happiness is a state of mind and way of thinking. Nothing beyond ourselves is capable of taking it away from us.
I thought my happiness was taken from me because I had been molested. It turned out that my abuser was not powerful to take that away from me. Just as my therapist’s husband was not powerful to take her happiness away either.
If you are interested in learning more about how my therapist survived her trauma, below is a link to her book, Bulletproof as well as a link to her conversation with Dr. Phil.
BOOK
https://www.amazon.com/BULLETPROOF-Laurie-Morales/dp/1628654414
Dr. Phil Interview
- Austin
